Dear Santa Claus,

The last couple years, I've tried to wax philosophical to you, and for all my enfeebled attempts at being highbrow, I actually learned something last year, and I'd like to share it with you. It starts with Christmas 2004. Up until then, I'd always spent Christmas morning with my folks, in only two different living rooms for 24 years. However, 2004 was the year I moved in with Jenn and her sister, and that Christmas morning I spent with Jenn, Kimba, and Beth. They weren't family at the time, but I figured it was close enough since I was marrying Jenn within the next three months. Christmas 2005 Jenn and I were alone in our cozy little basement suite, our first Christmas as a married couple, and it was perfectly lovely. Last year was our second Christmas as married people, and we spent it alone again. And without the romance of it being our first, it was a little lonely and anticlimactic. That's when I realized, for all my bluster about what Jesus means, the part you play, and how Christmas fits into my religion, it all means nothing without a warm, friendly, clan of people to share it with. I know it sounds incredibly trite, like I'm just reciting the moral from a holiday special or something, but it really is true. And really, that's the long and short of it.

As for whether or not I've been good all year, I'm not sure how to answer that. I think I've contained my temper quite well in the face a disappointing consumer experience, and while I've complained in my LJ quite a bit, I haven't yelled or threatened anyone, and I haven't taken any illegal action against the company, but that doesn't put me in line for sainthood, does it? Mind you, I've been putting in a small amount of volunteer hours with my church's sunday school, and I helped the BC Renfest with their Halloween fundraiser. Not exactly Mother Theresa type stuff, but I hope it means I'm not all bad...

So, straight on to the point of any letter to Santa: what do I want for Christmas? To be honest, I'm not sure how much point there is in telling you, seeing as I'm already getting lots of things that I want. I've already made arrangements with my folks to spend Christmas morning with them, and Christmas evening I'm spending with my father in law. I don't know when I'll see my sister in law and my mother in law yet, but I look forward to seeing them too. With Jenn's new job, I know she'll also be available for everything. I've been wanting to do dinner and a show on Granville Island for Christmas ever since I did it the first time in 1996, and it's finally happening again this year, I have the ticket tucked away nice and safe, and Jenn and I both have the night off. As an added bonus, I've even been cast as the villain in my church's Christmas pantomime, and I've been wanting to play the villain in a small scale production since high school, so this is great for me. So really, there isn't much more I can ask for that will make me happier.

Having said that, I can never have too many macadamia nuts...

Warmest wishes,
Stephen Elliot Brown

Dear Santa Claus,

Well, it's that time of year again, and here I am writing my third open letter to you. I hope you're doing well, although I have to wonder how you're responding to Fido's new advertising campaign with the young, hip, and most notably, slim Mr. and Mrs. Claus. If you haven't seen their ad, it can be streamed at their website, along with an ad featuring a disheveled, young hip Scrooge type character. The theme of these ads is that Fido saves Christmas by providing cheap services, which is a load of reindeer droppings, but honestly, can we expect anything different from advertising? I actually find these ads pretty funny, mostly because they're so silly (gotta love hip Santa's red pick-up car with white flame detailing...) but I have mixed reactions to the "fresh take" on your image. On the one hand, it seems really shallow and irreverent to mess with your image just to target certain demographics in an ad campaign. On the other hand, the people who make these "cutting edge" ads are actually pretty creative, and let's be honest, the image that most people recognize as yours was originally pushed by Coca-Cola, so it's not like an in-advertising makeover is any kind of sacrelege. Personally, I like the old school Father Christmas imagery, and if I can get the opportunity to represent you in a mall when I'm older (it is still one of my life ambitions...) that's the kind of image I would like to have. Then again, one of the neat things about the older Father Christmas imagery is the way that different cultures portray it, in which case, urban cellular dependent yuppies around the globe have their own culture, so why shouldn't they have their own Father Christmas that matches it?

The idea of comparing different cultures brings me to what I really want to talk about in my letter, which is my first Christmas as a Unitarian Universalist. I signed the membership book at Beacon about five weeks ago, so I think it's fair to say I officially belong. I haven't been to any of the Christmas sermons yet, so I don't know what it will be like. However, I have joined the choir, and I think it's kind of neat the variety of songs that we're practicing. This sunday, Dec. 3rd, we'll be singing three songs: O Come, O Come Emmanuel, Dark of Winter, and Chant for the Seasons. Emmanuel is an old Christian classic, Dark of Winter describes the peace and serenity of a snowy landscape at night, and Chant for the Seasons is about the cyclic nature of seasons, and the highlights of each (which sounds sort of Pagan to me, but I don't know much about the Pagan religion, so I might very well be wrong). This more or less illustrates one of the aspects of Unitarian Universalism, and that is the idea of finding wisdom in all the world's faiths. To that end, I'm hoping I'll have the opportunity to learn a little about other religious holidays that happen in the winter, and perhaps incorporating them into my own Christmas celebrations. Now, don't get me wrong, I am firmly opposed to the idea of a Generic Winter Holiday, and while I think it's perfectly acceptable for people to choose to say "Happy Holidays" (which both sounds non denominational, and is a well know Christmas Carol), I also believe that people who want to say "Merry Christmas" should be free to do so. But I think that knowing what other faiths think is important in the wintertime can enrich my own Christmas. For example, I've heard that the Christmas tradition of having wreaths and garlands inside for Christmas stems from an old Pagan belief that the spirits who lived in plants could only survive in living branches, so branches were brought inside to protect those spirits. I also have a suspicion that the tradition of Christmas lights stem from Hanukkah, but I'm not sure about that one. All in all, I think that understanding the meaning of old traditions, or even starting new ones, can bring more meaning to the holiday itself.

And finally, the purpose of any letter to Santa, what I want for Christmas. It occurred to me a few weeks ago, that the lists I usually make aren't things that I specifically want for Christmas, but things I want in general. Well, if you want to know what I want in general, ( you'll have to look behind this cut. ) As for what I want for Christmas, the list is as follows:

-to decorate my home with my wife, listening to the Boney M and BNL Christmas albums and drinking alcoholic eggnog or hot chocolate
-to watch A Christmas Story, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, and the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special (not necessarily all at once) with anyone who will join me
-to wander around Granville Island, possibly taking in a play and having dinner at the Keg, either with friends or just the Missus
-to see my local in-laws on Christmas Eve, especially (but not necessarily) if we can go somewhere for Japanese food
-to see my out of town in-laws via webcam (if they have one) on Christmas morning
-to see my side of the family on Christmas evening for dinner

The interesting thing about this list is that it's mostly up to me to accomplish on my own, which ought to make life easier for you. Which, to look at things from Fido's perspective, means that I am helping to save Christmas! (red for sarcasm, of course)

Warmest wishes,
-Stephen Elliot Brown

Dear Santa Claus,

I've decided to make a tradition out of last year's letter, so here I am writing you again. Last year I sought to prove your existence. It impressed my wife, I don't know if anyone else bought it, though (I'm hoping you were amused). As a quick recap, my line of thinking was that you can't not exist as a symbol of giving to people who you deem to be deserving, and that we all take on this trait when we buy gifts for people we care about and want to show our appreciation to. One thing I completely left out of last year's letter, though, was what the heck does this have to do with Christmas, which was supposed to be Christians' celebration of the birth of Christ?

Well, no actual Christian would call me a Christian. Mostly because the way I envision God more closely resembles Azathoth as an embodiment of chaos theory than some kind of de-paganized Zeus. But also because of my attitudes towards Jesus. Whether or not he actually existed (and I believe he did, most cults don't start without leaders), and whether or not he was literally sired by the holy ghost of an ethereal omnipotent being (no comment), his teachings weren't altogether without merit. Much like He-Man, his morals may get mocked, but in the end they all boil down to love, compassion and understanding, which I think are worthy ideals. So, using similar arguments to the ones I used about your existence last year, I think it's fair to say that Christ exists as a symbol for love, compassion and understanding, and since birth equals existence, then Christmas is a celebration of the existence of some of the highest of human ideals, which, as an aside, means that this is one item which TV specials are actually not too far off the mark for. The sad thing is that some people think "don't believe everything you see on TV" means "assume everything you see on TV is wrong", and Christmas specials wind up adding to general disaffection for the season. But anti-conformity versus non-conformity is a different rant altogether.

In the end, what I'm getting at is that while I'm not a Christian, I do side with the "don't cross Christ out of Christmas" crowd. But I also accept that Christ is not the only part of Christmas. For example, I've heard that Christmas trees originate from a pagan tradition where people would bring living branches and plants into their homes to protect them and keep them alive during the winter, because the gods needed living vessels to survive. I don't think that sentiment is at all far from the spirit of the season, and this is part of the reason why my wife and I are choosing to have a live tree this year. By the same token, some people think that Santa and gift-giving are commercializations and detract from the holiday, but I disagree. I do think it's wasteful to go out and compulsively buy useless and in all likelihood unwanted trinkets for people you hardly know just because it's Christmas, and we've all received gifts like that and wondered, "What the hell am I going to do with this?" It's hard to appreciate the sentiment when the sentiment is "I HAVE TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING BECAUSE IT'S NEARLY THE END OF DECEMBER!" But like I said last year, Santa and gift-giving are- to me, at least- a way to show your appreciation to the people you care about. And since love and caring are part of the spirit of the holiday, I think that you are just as much a part of Christmas as Jesus is. Like the Vatican recently announced about evolution and creationism, modern ideas and traditions don't have to be mutually exclusive from old ones, it all depends on your own point of view (actually, Obi-wan Kenobi said that last bit, but it fits perfectly.)

So like I said last year, what I really want is to give presents, and I've got so much stuff that I want already, and enough money to provide for myself, that I would definitely not be hard done by to receive nothing for what I give and be content for it. However, there are people who feel the same way about getting things for me, and some of those people want to know what kind of things I would like to receive, so now we get to the main part of any letter to Santa, "What I Want for Christmas". ( Cut for people who want to know )

Well, that's about it for this year, I hope this letter has entertained you.
Warmest wishes,
-Stephen Elliot Brown.

Dear Santa Claus,

Please excuse my preemptive sycophancy, but I have to say this: I like your style. You are one of the few holiday icons who practices positive reinforcement, which I think is important. The Easter Bunny doesn't care whether someone's been naughty or nice, and neither does the tooth fairy (although I hear she rewards good oral hygiene). The Leprechauns pinch people who don't wear green on St. Patrick's day, but that's negative reinforcement. Some people would argue that positive reinforcement means children only behave to get rewards, but I personally believe that fear of punishment is the only thing that keeps most adults in line, so motivation is unimportant to me in that respect. The point is that you get results.

I also think that you make a good role model, and to that end it is one of my life's ambitions to become one of your Shopping Center Representatives, when my own beard is a little whiter, of course. When I was a kid, I used to eagerly anticipate all the presents I would receive. My parents would give me things to give to other people, but I didn't care about that. Now that I'm older, I enjoy giving more than receiving. Part of that might be because I can (mostly) afford to get myself the things I want, and since I've stopped watching TV there are less things that I want to have in the first place. I think that part of it also comes from being slightly more mature and seeing others a little more clearly. My inspiration comes from you giving gifts to all the good girls and boys, and while I'm in no position to judge who's been good or bad, I do know who's been good to me, and Christmas is a great time of year to show my gratitude by giving gifts to the people I care about. Every year now, shortly after Remembrance Day (earlier, in some cases), I start to get excited about the things I'm going to give to people. I can't ever afford to give my friends and family the things I think they deserve, but I try my best (I also try to give something to the Salvation Army every time I go to the Liquor Store).

Some people will read this and say, "but Steve, Santa Claus isn't real! Why are you writing to him?" Well, I have two words for them: Protagorean Relativism. Basically, this concept argues that what is or isn't true is based on your own point of view. For example, if you believe that vanilla is the best flavour of ice cream, than to you this is true. The only problem with this theory is that it doesn't work to well on more objective issues (for example, trying to use your opinion to counteract gravity has entirely met with failure until about one hundred years ago), that, and the fact that it objectively states that there is no such thing as objectivity. However, on the topic of subjective issues, like "what is the best flavour of ice cream?", then I can't see anything wrong with Protagorean Relativism. So, the only question left to be asked is whether your existence a subjective or objective issue. Here's my point of view: whether or not there literally is some man with a penchant for red fur trimmed clothes living at the North Pole, and whether or not he stops at the dwelling of every single person that celebrates Christmas all in one night, Santa Claus exists as a symbol of giving, and if giving is part of someone's personality, even if it's only for one day a year, then that part of that individual can be symbolized by Santa Claus. This is certainly how I feel about myself, that at least once a year part of me embodies Santa Claus, and since I can't embody something that doesn't exist, it's safe to say that, according to Protagorean Relativism, SANTA CLAUS IS REAL.

Now that you've suffered through my little attempt at metaphysics, here's the part that this letter has to include: what I want for Christmas. Yes, as much as I enjoy giving, as much as I would be fine with giving gifts and getting nothing, everyone likes to get presents, and that definitely includes me. The question is do I deserve them? Have I been good? And to quote Calvin (the comic strip character, not the philosopher), what matters, actively being good, or just simply not being bad? Aside from minor transgressions (forgetting to signal when I turn, etc.) I think I qualify under "not bad". As for actually being good, I do try. Like watching the clock and driving Jenn to work if she sleeps late, or lending a sympathetic ear and trying to give helpful advice to a friend who's going through rough times, or giving my loose change to air cadets, children's hospital, veterans, or any other charity that asks. I'm no Mother Theresa, and I know that I could do more, but I think I am at least a little good. In the end, it's not for me to decide, is it? In that respect, I should probably just list off things that I want for Christmas and let things fall where they may.

One last thing before I start. I know that this list is a little long, but that's because I want to provide a variety of inspirations. While I everything on this list is something I want, I don't want every single item. I don't know what the economy's like in the North Pole right now (I know mine isn't so hot), so I'm going to try to break it down in to price categories.

over $40) Lego! Always first and foremost on any list of what I want is Lego. However, since I've decided to stop collecting, this means that there are at the moment only six sets on the market that I want. These sets are listed on my homepage, at http://www.geocities.com/bumbot/lego/wishchart.html.

$20 to $40) Graphic Novels (collections in trade paperback format):
The Essential Incredible Hulk, Volume 1
Star Wars Tales Volume 1
Star Wars Tales Volume 2
Star Wars Tales Volume 3

$10 to $20) Beer (for suggestions on brand, go to http://www.geocities.com/bumbot/beer), Gift Certificates, and Paperbacks from the New Jedi Order series:
Vector Prime
Dark Tide 1: Onslaught
Dark Tide 2: Ruin
Agents of Chaos 1: Hero's Trial
Agents of Chaos 2: Jedi Eclipse
Edge of Victory 1: Conquest
Edge of Victory 2: Rebirth
Dark Journey
Destiny's Way
Force Heretic 2: Refugee
The Unifying Force

under $10) Individual cans or bottles of Beer, Candy

I hope that helps you. Thanks for reading my letter.
Warmest wishes,
-Stephen Elliot Brown